10 years ago

In loving memory of my mom, Carolyn Sue Brackenbury McCoy
November 6, 1931 - March 29, 2000


Ten years ago this month, March, 2000 was the cumulation of the shittist period of my live. I don't know why but I feel the need to put down in words some of the feelings of what happened. Most of the memories are so vivid it seems like it just happened last week but then some of the things I thought I'd never forget I think I have.

It hadn't even been ten months since dad died and I had only been in my own house 16 months after splitting from Walt and now all of a sudden (it seems like) mom was going to have to go have two heart valves replaced. This is one of those "fuzzy" times when I wonder why the hell wasn't I more proactive with mom and go to her doctor appointments with her like when I went to the oncologist for dad? They tell her she needs the operation, she tells me and I just went along with it. I'm still perplexed why I didn't take her by the hand and get second and third opinions, it is her heart they wanted to go in and operate on but I didn't do it and it is something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

It's one of those things you can look back and see the signs were there but weren't read. I think mom was having heart problems years before the surgery but nothing was done. Mom and dad were taking a golf group to Mexico and the flight from Denver to LAX was delayed making their international connection nearly impossible. Mom said she got shin splints running to the plane and therefore had to walk but I think now that her heart wouldn't let her move quickly. Then it was only a couple of months after that when dad was diagnosed with cancer and she spent every moment focused on dad and not herself. She was convinced they were going to beat the cancer with the treatments and this special tea someone told her cured cancer. Taking care and worrying about dad was taking a toll on mom's health but since all of us were so worried about dad as well we didn't even think something could be wrong with mom.

I went with mom and dad to the oncologist the first part of May when the doctor told us they could "try" a very aggressive but unproven treatment that may not do anything for him or we could take dad home and make the next three or so weeks as comfortable for him as possible and to think about contacting hospice. Mom made me contact the doctor again to see if what he told us was what we heard and of course it was. Then the thought of calling hospice just about put mom over the edge. "I don't need hospice." Hospice is for people who are going to die." She fought it for a couple of days until agreeing to have them come over and I think that actually it was a relief to have them.

As the days were going by we were watching dad getting weaker and weaker until one day he said he didn't want to be in the family room any more and was ready to just stay in the hospital bed we had brought in. Dad was there only about a week before he passed away peacefully on May 28, 99. We were all numb that day but I had contacted the funeral home a few days earlier and had gotten the ball rolling. Barbara and Fats had come over to the house and we decided to order pizza for dinner that night. Mom was so annoyed that Barbara had her call the pizza place and put in the order. That's another of those what was I thinking about moments because I could see how irritated mom was clearly not wanting to talk to them on the phone and I just sat there with everyone else just looking at her.

Mom probably could have done without having a funeral at all but we all knew that wasn't an option. We had the funeral on June 1 and we got through the after funeral gathering at the house that afternoon. It was only a day or two after the funeral mom had Wendy and me go through dad's closet and get rid of his things. She didn't want his clothes there so we took care of that for her.

Just a few days after dad's funeral was mom and dad's 46th wedding anniversary and during that same weekend was their 50th high school reunion. Mom was understandingly upset and people were trying to comfort her. Many believed as I did too, that she was a strong woman and could get through this. Oh no! Whenever anyone said, "oh Carolyn, you are so strong." mom would just about lose it saying she wasn't strong and why do these people keep telling her that. This is another one of those "when I look back" moments that should have told us there was something very wrong with mom and her health but we just didn't see it.

The weeks after that were visibly hard for mom going to the bank, the lawyers office and even the DMV causing her and her heart more and more strain. If there was any good time of year for dad to pass away I guess it would have been the beginning of summer because Wendy and the kids could spend this time with her. The day they went home was very sad for mom. I took them to the airport and came right back to be with her and made plans to have dinner with her that night.

In Oct. mom and I flew to Monterey with Barbara and Fats for the Raddatz meeting and we had to change planes in LAX. We had to go to the commuter plane terminal and it was a pretty tight connection. We were walking fairly quickly down the concourse and I kept looking back at mom grabbing the rail and saying things like we don't need to run. I told Barbara and Fats to go on and we would be there as soon as we could. I had never seen this side of my mom. Mom was always the one who we had to keep up with whether it be tennis, skiing or anything so I couldn't imagine why she wasn't able to up the pace a little quicker.

Mom went to La Jolla the first part of March for a couple of weeks with Barbara and Fats which I was happy about. I didn't like hearing that she couldn't finish a round of golf or that she couldn't walk down to Shell Beach, that just wasn't like her. She came home with about a week to go before going into the hospital and I would go over to her house most every evening. I was to take her into the hospital on Tuesday so it was that Monday night dinner I'll never forget. We couldn't just sit there and visit, no mom wanted to take me through the house to show me where the keys were to the safe deposit box, the combination to the vault in the house, all her legal paperwork and even gave me her password to her computer so I could write an email to everyone in her address book to let them know how everything went with the surgery. I was horribly uncomfortable and I kept telling her she didn't need to do this because everything was going to be alright and she was going to be home soon.

I picked her up on Tuesday afternoon to take her to the hospital because they wanted her to spend the night there before her surgery. They went through the intake and took her to her room and I told her I was going back to her house to get Murphy to take over to my house. She told me to not bother to come back that night because Barbara and Fats were going to come over and she just wanted to rest and be alone. This is another one of my "why the hell did I listen to her" moments, I should have gone back but I didn't. From the sounds of things it was pretty hectic with the nurses and Barbara there trying to get the TV just right. I did call her and told her I'd be there the next morning.

Early Wednesday morning I was there in pre-op and Fr. Bacon came to bless her prior to her surgery. She seemed pretty calm and now I was the one who was getting nervous. The nurses escorted me to a private waiting room that had a TV where I could wait. Barbara came to stay with me and so did mom's friend Joyce Everett. Barbara and Joyce talked to each other but I just sort of blankly watched the TV waiting for a nurse to come in every hour or so with an update. The surgery lasted over four hours before Dr. Guadagnoli, whom I'll come to hate later, came in to talk to me. He told me that everything went well and they will need to keep "her under" for the day and night before bringing her up the next morning which he said was standard procedure.

Feeling relieved I went to mom's house and signed on to her computer and wrote everyone on her address list a note telling them what the doctor told me. I wish I had waited to do that because I couldn't have been more wrong. I didn't go to the hospital that evening because mom was under sedation and I wanted to be there the next morning when the brought her up from the drugs, so I went home.

The next morning, Thursday, I went to the hospital where she was in ER. They had just brought her up and when she saw me said "Hi Kev." in a pretty weak voice. I told her that Barbara wanted to come and see her but she told me she didn't want her to see her looking like this plus she really didn't want visitors. I told her I'd tell Barbara but that I would come over after work and have dinner with her in her room. I had mom's Lincoln and dropped it off at the Goodyear store to have new tires put on because they were pretty bad and then walked to work.

It was about 10am and I was on a call at work when Marg told me the hospital was on the line and they needed to talk to me right away. I got on the phone and I don't remember if it was the doctor or his nurse but they told me mom had gone into respiratory attack and they and to put her under again to control her breathing. I told them I'd be over right away then did this panic dance around the office because the car was in the shop and I had to go and what will I do. Marg told me to take her car and she would get it later so I took off for the hospital. It was like one of those movies in slow motion driving to the hospital and then I couldn't find a parking place. When I finally did and started going into the hospital I couldn't see or hear anything I just went through this tunnel to get to the ER.

I got there and Dr. Guadagnoli was trying to tell me what happened in typical doctor lingo but the long and short of it was he didn't know why this happened and this shouldn't have happened bull. Finally his recommendation was to take mom into surgery again and see what went wrong and I of course agreed because I sure didn't have any other options for them to explore. I don't remember how it happened but somehow Marg got her car back and I got mom's car by that afternoon when the surgery was to start.

Bless Barbara and Fat's hearts they came to the hospital, this time no private room but the general ER waiting room to sit with me for this surgery. It was late afternoon or early evening when they got started on another four hour plus operation. Fats brought sandwiches and Barbara brought her cards that would get us through many hours during days to come. When they finally came out of the operating they told me that they couldn't find out why mom went into the respiratory attack and that it was a mystery to them. Great. They wanted to observe her for at least 24 hours to see if there was any change one way or another. I was so exhausted I went home to crash.

The next morning when I went to the hospital to check on her they told me there had been no change in her status. They did inform me though that they hadn't closed her up and were keeping an eye on her. The rest of the day is pretty much fuzzy until that evening when I talked to Guadagnoli. His recommendation was to go for a third surgery and replace the third heart valve. He told me they could get mom into surgery the next day, Saturday, around noon. Guadagnoli then said to me, "you have a sister that lives out of state, I think you need to call and have her get here as soon as possible." I'm thinking to myself this isn't a good thing.

It was past 10 when I got home with my head reeling about what the doctor had just told me. I thought about calling Wendy and thought to myself what good would it be to wake her up and both of us not being able to sleep so I thought I'd wait until it was after 7 her time. Why? I don't know it just is what I thought. So I tried to sleep and every time I looked at my clock I kept thinking 1 here, 3 there, 2:30 here, 4:30 there, all night long. Finally it was 5:30 and I thought OK it's 7:30 in Charlotte I guess I can call now and when I did I couldn't believe I got her answering machine so I left her a message to call me back as soon as possible.

Luckily, it wasn't too long before Wendy called me back and to tell you the truth I really don't know just how I told her the news. She told me I sounded kind of wishy washy about the whole thing and that she had to pry the information out of me. I told her to call US Airways and get out here on the next flight. I also told her I couldn't pick her up so maybe she should take the shuttle up to Ft. Collins. After that the fog sort of set in again and the next thing I remember about the day was being at the hospital again. Joyce Everett who sat with me during the first surgery was there and I told her about Wendy coming in and she told me that she and her husband Bob would go to Denver to pick her up which I was grateful.

So there once again my poor mom was going in for her third major surgery in four days and there once again was me having to sit and wait for another four excruciating hours not knowing what was going on. Mom was still in surgery when Wendy got to the hospital in her state of shock of what's going on and wondering what is so bad the doctor thought she should fly across the country with just a bag of clothes she threw together before leaving her house.

Once again Barbara and Fats were there as was my dear friend Dan and Fr. Bacon who had been keeping tabs with me. Dick and Sue had come back from their trip to California were there too with all of us just sort of blank. Barbara was trying to get everyone to play a card game and those who did really weren't into it. Finally, Guadagnoli came in to talk to us and we had a Scooby Doo moment when we all go Huhhhh?? He told us they went in to replace the third valve and once in there found a hole in mom's heart. They went in and repaired the hole and then replaced the valve but were concerned and felt they still needed to leave her "opened up". I hated that and it really freaked me out. I couldn't get it out of my mind every time I saw her she was laying there that her chest was opened up. I didn't get this and that goon Guadagnoli could never give me an explanation that made sense to me. Bringing me to another one of those "why didn't I do more moments", why didn't I grab his jacket and tell him to explain it to me like I was in fifth grade so maybe it would be clear, but I didn't.

So begins the vigil. Wendy and I went in to see her and my heart started breaking. Our active funny mom who always got everyone to go swimming at the Cove or go out to go sledding was laying there in the ER room with machines all around her and tubes in her arms, nose and mouth. We both did the "hi mom" and talking to her about getting out of here and getting well but it was so hard, so hard. We talked to ourselves and decided to go out to the waiting room to tell Barbara and Dick that we thought it was best they didn't go in and see mom. The only reason we did this was because one of the last things mom said before going into respiratory attack was she didn't want Barbara to see her like this, and that was when she was supposedly getting well. Mom was a very proud woman and I don't think she would have wanted Wendy and me to see her like this either. Deep down I was thinking if this was the end for mom I don't want to hear stories from Barbara or Dick about what they thought of her in that bed and I think I wanted them to have the memories of our beautiful mother the way she was in life.

Wendy wanted to spend the night in the hospital and asked me if I wanted to stay to. This is not one of my regrets and I told her I didn't want to stay, I had been there enough the last few days so I left her and went home. I do remember I had a number of vodka tonics that night and crashed as I had never been so exhausted as I was then.

Thank god I didn't stay at the hospital because poor Wendy got awakened the next morning by Walt who decided maybe this would be a good time to make points with the family after all the shit he put me through with our break up. As my dad said once about Walt, "I pity him because he is just so pitiful." He was right because this really wasn't the time to hear him say how sorry he was about what happened to us blah blah. Thinking back now it was another one of his sick narcissistic attempts to make it all about him again and thank goodness I just sort of blocked him and focused on what needed to be done for today because I couldn't do anything about yesterday and tomorrow was too far away.

The next few days were spent with Wendy and me going back and forth from mom's room back to the waiting room. There was the morning and afternoon updates from Guadagnoli with our blank looks. Once again, thank goodness I had Dan with me to be my ears when he talked to us. Dan would recap everything for me because I just couldn't focus. One of the funniest times I'll never forget was one day when Fr. Bacon came to the hospital on one of his numerous visits. Barbara was sitting at the table always looking for someone to play cards with her. She asked Fr. Bacon if he wanted to play and he tried to decline her offer. It just isn't that easy to turn Barbara down and before long he was sitting at the table with cards in his hands.

Barbara: So Fr. Bacon, where did you grow up?
Fr. B: Iowa.
Barbara: Did you grow up on a farm?
Fr. B: No but my grandparents lived on a farm.
Barbara: Did you love going to visit them?
Fr. B: No. They put me on a horse once and I cried.
Barbara: Well, what else didn't you like about it?
Fr. B: I couldn't stand the smell of the feed.

At this point Barbara calls across the waiting room: Fat's, when you were growing up on the farm did you not like the smell of feed?

Fats: I didn't have time to think about it Dolly.

Then there was the lunch with Robyn. Robyn Warren lived across the street from us when we were growing up and her father was a patient of Guadagnoli's. Robyn and Dan joined Wendy and me for lunch in the hospital cafeteria and she told us her horror story about her dad and his experience with Guadagnoli. There were issues with insurance and his wanting to keeping Robyn's dad alive. That is until the day the insurance ran out and then he was allowed to be taken off life support. The horrors the Warrens went through were awful and we weren't sure what we would do if we were put in this situation.

Robyn and Dan told us to open up a conversation with Guadagnoli and have him spell out for us the realistic options or as I refer to it is give us the "At Best" scenario of mom's condition. It's funny because I remember the "at best" almost verbatim but Wendy years later couldn't remember a thing he told us, so her it goes.

He told us; "At Best" they couldn't say for sure how long mom would be in this state or how long it could be before she was strong enough to be closed up. While she was opened up there was a greater chance of infection which could be worse then what she was going through with her surgerys. Then when the time came that she could be closed up she most likely would have to spend weeks to months in the emergency room. Once stronger, they could move her to the heart floor where once again she would have to spend weeks to months there. After leaving the heart floor there would have to be years of rehab and there is no way to tell how much brain damage could have occurred during this whole procedure. He couldn't tell us for sure if mom would be able to function as before or even walk again. There were just to many unknowns. If this was the "At Best" what would happen if all this good news didn't happen? Plus just looking at that woman in that bed we know that wasn't our mom. The woman laying there was so swollen up and puffy from all the I.V. liquids that were flowing through her. I remember looking at her and thinking the only thing that looks or reminds me of our mom was the finger nail polish she had on. That was it. This was not our mom and this is not what our mom would want us to have her go through.

After hearing this Wendy and I went out to talk to Barbara and Dick and let them know what Guadagnoli told us. Mom had made it clear to Wendy and me years ago that she never wanted to be "kept alive" or do any heroic efforts to just keep her living. She let us know the difference about being alive and living and we were clear the "at best" was nothing she would have wanted. Barbara and Dick knew this too so we told them that unless there was a miracle overnight that we were going to take mom off life support the next day. They agreed with us and told us they didn't think any less of us for making that decision.

After a restless night I met Wendy first thing at the hospital because we had a meeting with Guadagnoli and were going to tell him we wanted to take mom off of the life support system. We got there and Wendy told me that she couldn't talk to him and wanted me to tell him of our decision. Guadagnoli started in right away with maybe we could do this or that and blah blah but I had to stop him and said that after thinking about his "at best" scenario we couldn't let mom go through that and wanted to take her off of the machines. He really didn't try to talk me out of it and agreed to meet us in her room at 8:am. I went over to Wendy to tell her what Guadagnoli said to me when lo and behold who should walk in but Walt. This is the best thing I ever did when it came to my dealing with him in sixteen years was I took him by the arm and led him to a quiet corner. I told him that this morning was not a good morning for him to be here at the hospital and I asked him very calmly to please leave because this day was for family only. I had never been that firm with him and it felt good.

8:am came and we met Guadagnol in mom's room. He at least had the decency to not try to talk us out of our decision because we were thinking of Robyn's dad and Guadagnoli keeping him alive just to keep receiving insurance money. Guadagnoli told us what he was doing and what to expect. After a few minutes they left Wendy and me alone with mom and we kept holding her hand and talking to her. I would sit on the floor and just look at her in this bed with a million thoughts running through my head. Is this really the right thing? Mom is going to die right in front of me. What will happen next? Oh, my god another funeral to plan just 10 months after dad died. Why didn't I do more early on? What could we have done differently to not be here right now?

Two hours later they came back in the room to let us know it was over. That was it. I never saw one bit of difference in her from 8:am until now so in some sort of way it occurred to me that mom had been gone long before this and that gave me a little peace. We went out to tell Barbara and Dick that their little sister had passed away. Dan was there as he had been all week and Fr. Bacon came to give mom her last rites.

We weren't crying (yet) but were just numb.

It wouldn't hit me for awhile just what happened.

Mom had in her directive that she would donate any organs needed upon her death that could be used for others so we let the hospital know this was what she wanted. Meanwhile Wendy and I went over to Barbara and Fat's house to plan what needed to be done next. Barbara had her cheap ass friend Ash go to Wendy's to get everyone some burgers and he came back with those tiny $1.00 burgers and a few fries. I can't believe what we got done that afternoon, here's kind of a check list:

Called the funeral home to have someone come over.
Set the date and place for the funeral.
Wrote mom's obituary and got a picture to the paper before their deadline.
Called family and friends.
Got reservations for Joel and the girls to fly out.
Met and visited with people who came by the house.

One of those who came by was Barbara's friend Sun from Korea. Wendy had never met her and Sun started crying hysterically in front of Wendy with her tears flying all around. She was saying she should have had Carolyn over to her house more for dinner. Barbara was funny saying, "Yes Sun, Carolyn always was saying I wish Sun would have had me over to her house more." We had to have a few smiles that day.

I got a call from the hospital later that afternoon telling me that none of mom's organs could be used for donations because all the fluids they had pumped into her had damaged them too badly. Initially shocked to hear this it confirmed my belief that what we did by taking mom off of life support was the right thing for her.

Mom died on a Wednesday and the funeral was on Saturday, April 1 (what a cruel April's fool) and the time between really to this day is still a blur. I know we went to the funeral home, talked to Fr. Bacon about the service, met with people who came by and those who came from out of town like Char. Char Dooley was mom's best friend since childhood and she drove up from Santa Fe again like she did for dad's funeral. Chars true impact would be felt a few months later when she came back to Ft. Collins to help Wendy and me go through mom and dad's house.

The funeral went smoothly except Wendy was a mess. They had us walk up to the front row in front of everyone seated and Wendy was just sobbing. The service started with Fr. Bacon talking directly to Kelsey and Maddie about what happened, their feelings and how it was alright to be sad and alright to cry. Instead of the traditional eulogy we did the same thing that we did for dad's service and had certain people write their own letters of memories about mom and had Dan Michaels read them. Finally it was over and everyone came over to mom's house for food, drinks and memories.

Here are a few thought I have about some people I have written about presented in no particular order.

Barbara. I really couldn't have gotten through the week without her and it just sort of happened that during this time she became my second mom. Barbara was always up and tried to keep our minds occupied by playing her card games. There was this one game where the point was to discard all of your cards into various suits and runs placed down on the table. We could always tell when Barbara was about to "go out" and discard everything because there was a little ritual that took place. First there was the scanning of the cards on the table with glances up and down into her hand. Next she would scoot her chair a little closer to the table and put on her glasses that were hanging around her neck on. Finally she would stand up and start placing her cards everywhere on the table until she played the last one with a little chuckle and proclaim "OUT!" Barbara took Wendy into her house and let us use it as our base during everything that was going on and was always there to listen and be there for us. Barbara is a blessing.

Fats. He was quietly there with us the whole time too offering his support and love. Little could we have known that six months later good ol Fatsie would pass away too.

Dan. My very best friend who was there with me nearly the entire time we were going through this. As I mentioned earlier, he was my ears, my tape recorder and the only one who could objectively give me the advice I so needed. Many times he told me to come outside with him and walk around because he knew I couldn't stay in that waiting room all the time. Thank you thank you Dan. When you look up the word friend in the dictionary it says; "see Dan".

Fr. Bacon. Not only just a compassionate priest but a friend as well. Neither of my parents were religious and I know the only reason Fr. B was there so much was because of me. He truly was a follower of Christ unlike so many of those who proclaim to be "christian". I believe he had come into my life to fulfill my spiritual being.

Robyn. I hated having to hear what she was telling us about Guadagnoli and her experience with him but it really had to be told. I'm sure it was hard for her to relive this but am thankful she did.

Wendy. It would have been nice to have had her with me the entire time of this ordeal. Maybe between the two of us one would have gone with mom to Guadagnoli's office and got more information. I felt badly for her though when she called mom the night before her surgery and mom told her that if she didn't make it Wendy had to promise her she would divorce Joel. Put that one in the shudda woulda coulda column. With dad's passing in May and mom in March Wendy had to experience her first birthday without both parents less then two weeks after mom's passing.

Guadagnoli. I don't think he went in with the idea that mom couldn't make it through the initial surgery but I don't think he is totally ethical either. I always sensed a lack of concern from him. It could have been that is his personalty or that doctors have to separate themselves emotionally from their patients but being icy cold doesn't endure yourself to him at all. After hearing what Robyn went though and later what Sheldon had to face with Guadagnoli when Fr. Bacon had his heart attack and later passed away I would never let him near me or anyone I love with a scalpel. People say we should have sued him but at that point in time the thought of going through what we had just gone through all over again in court made me nauseous and in the end, mom would still be dead.

Of course there were others that made an impact during that horrible time but these are the ones who "POP" still ten years later.

Mom, even though it has been ten long years since you left us, you are still alive in my heart every single day. I miss you and dad so much and wonder how different my life would have been if the surgery were successful. I still have a much easier time reconciling dad's passing then yours. Dad had cancer and there was nothing that could have changed that but maybe we could have done something different with you. Dad was able to pass at home and be aware of his surroundings but I hated that you had to be in that awful ICU room under sedation with your chest opened up. I see some people who have there mothers still in their lives and am jealous of them. I wonder why this had to happen to me and used to be mad but now I've moved past that to be just being sad. Most of all though I am so happy that you were my mom and I love you very much.