My Bird

I don't like birds, thank you Alfred Hitchcock but an amazing thing happened to me this week with "my bird". I have been known to trim back the ivy in the courtyard so much that the old bird nests just had to go. I did that to prevent the advent of baby birds that have hopped around the patio to just end up dead because of the heat and lack of attention from their parents.

Well, a little over a week ago there was another baby bird hopping around because he had fallen out of his nest. At first I thought "oh great I'll be scooping his body up in a day or so" BUT, this one seemed a little bit bigger then those that died before him so I don't know what possessed me but I gave him a little dried bread. My bird tried to eat it but had some problems but then what twisted my heart was his mom flew down and started feeding him the food I left on the ground. It was so sweet I thought that if his mom wasn't going to give up on him either was I. I left the hose dripping a little water all the time and every day and night I would go out and feed my bird.

It was amazing that my bird started to know who I was and what I was doing. His instinct told him to keep his distance but every day when I was feeding him he would come up and eat with me watching him. He wasn't afraid of me and I think welcomed my being there.

So now more then a week later my bird showed me that he is learning to fly. Tonight I went out on the patio and he flew up from the ivy to a planter. From there he flew on top of the barbecue and just sat there looking at me like, "look at me, I'm flying." He then flew behind the hot tub where I have been feeding him and gave him some more food and water. My wish is I won't see him any more and that he is flying around but won't make his nest in my courtyard next year.

I am a proud Papa.

Sunflower

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written but so much has happened. Ever since Tom told me I need to get a job I've been looking but not as hard as I should have. Last month Kal told me that Sunflower was opening a new store and you could apply online for positions. I though what the hell, I had applied at both the Lomas and San Mateo stores but heard nothing so why not the new one? I put the application in on a Monday and on Wednesday I got a call to meet with Kathryn at the store in Corrales on Friday. I thought the interview went well and that I answered her questions in a professional manner and was happy about how things went. We went up to Colorado to see Barbara over Mothers Day and came home on Monday where I had a message to call Liz at Sunflower for a phone interview. We played phone tag for awhile but my Wednesday we finally talked. She told me I was being considered for the position of events coordinator for the store which really excited me. I was thrilled that after all these years of not working that I could make the impression for a "titled" position and I really thought I could do a good job at that position.

Unfortunately I got a call a couple of days later and was informed that they gave that position to someone else but offered me a full time cashier position. I jumped on it and was informed that training would start the week of May 17. I actually had my orientation on May 13 which is my "starting date" and then realized that life at 4138 Coe Dr. would never be the same again.

The two weeks of training were alright, we met everyday at 8am to 5pm. The mornings were for cashier training and the afternoons were for setting up the store which sucked. The cashier training was mainly focused on the produce codes and some actual work on the cashiers. There wasn't enough time focused on the actual day to day encounters like the refunds / exchanges that take place. Even now that I'm starting my 9th day of work in a row this morning that is one area that I think really need some attention.

Training ended on May 28 (the 11th anniversary of dad's passing) and we got what will probably be the last 3 day weekend of our working lives. We had our traditional BBQ on Sunday and then Kal had to work on Monday which really sucked. Tuesday the 1st was the stores soft opening and I had to be there at 7am. It wasn't real busy but enough to keep me on my toes for the grand opening the next day.

Grand Opening! Wednesday, June 2 was the grand opening and everyone had to be there at 6:30am. There was already over 200 people in line to get their free bag of groceries and other goodies when the doors opened at 7am. There were people there helping with the produce codes and bagging and the day went well but I was pretty exhausted by the time I got home. The initial schedule had me there every morning at 7am through Sat. then the new schedule had me working every day either at 8am or 9am through Thursday which meant NINE fricking days in a row of working with today being day 9 with the crazy hours of 9:30am to 3pm.

OK, this all sounds alright until the actual working took place where there are a lot of things that really need attention and changing or this won't be the place I imagined.

Barbara

After writing about my mom and sharing it with some friends, Lindy told me I should write something about Barbara. As I wrote before, Barbara was such a love and support to me during the horrendous time of moms time in the hospital and her passing. It was pretty much this time that she adopted me and she became my second mom.

Fats was having problems with his breathing and it was getting worse. A few months after the funeral Barbara called me and told me they had taken Fats to the hospital and asked me if I could pick her up and take me there which I did of course. We were told he was in ICU and as we were heading there it was getting harder and harder for me to walk toward the door leading into the area because I had been there so many times and had gone in there so many times before when mom was there. We walked in and they told us what room he was in. Out of 9 rooms they had there what were the chances they put him into the same room mom was in the whole time, the same room she died in. I remember I really didn't see Fats laying there, I was just looking around the room the whole time. I think he only had to spend a couple of days in the hospital before he got to go home.

In Sept. 00, I was at work and got a call from Barbara's next door neighbor who informed me that Fats died and was wondering if I could come over. Barbara and Fats had their own rooms for years and I guess Fats got up in the night to go to the bathroom and collapsed and died right away. By the time I got to her house the paramedics had his body in the ambulance and were about ready to leave. I think Barbara was pretty much in a state of shock and was going about doing things like she does every morning. I'm not clear on the "what came first" order of things but I do remember kind of taking charge until Gail got there. I notified the funeral home, had Barbara start calling her family and even started writing his obituary. By late afternoon Gail and Steve had gotten there so I let them take over because it was starting to really get to me since it had been less then 6 months after mom passed away.

I kept tabs on Barbara by calling her every so often and visa versa. She had me come over to get her Christmas decorations out and helped get her a tree and decorate it. Then when the time came I helped her take it down and put everything away. In the spring we went out looking for flowers for her to plant in her planters and yard. We went from nursery to nursery looking for petunias that had "fragrance". I got them planted for her, cleaned out her fountain and swept the patio so she could get ready for spring. Then there was the time when she bought a Bow Flex and I got the honor to set it up for her in the back bedroom. That only took most of the day but she got some pleasure from it.

In the meantime I had met Kal at a New Years Eve party in Denver and we were starting to see each other. Although he was in Albuquerque and I was in Fort Collins one of us would make the trip up and down I-25 to see each other.

Easter in 2001 was in April and Barbara and I flew to Charlotte to see Wendy and the girls and celebrate Wendy's birthday as well. We spent a few nights in Charlotte and then drove down to Charleston, SC for a few nights too. We had a nice time except for the times we had to spend with Joel but that's another story. They all gave me a hard time because Kal and I were phoning each other at least twice a day, usually more. Of course every night ended up with a card game which was Barbara's signature item of pleasure.

There was one day that I will never forget and it was the year anniversary of mom's passing. Barbara didn't want me to be alone and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with her and see a show at the Lincoln Center. I think it was A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. We went to Pobre Pancho's for Mexican food and I couldn't believe that on the way out of the restaurant we ran into Dr. Guadanaoli, the creep that did my mom's heart surgery. Of all days to run into him, that was unbelievable. We went to the show and our seats were literally in the very last row at the end. It didn't matter to me, what mattered was being with Barbara.

We had decided that Kal was going to take a week off and come up to Colorado for his birthday. I thought this would be the perfect time to take the "Barbara Test". If I was going to get into another relationship, whoever it was going to be had to meet Barbara and get her endorsement. So Kal met us at the airport when we flew back from Charlotte. He was tired so I drove home and Barbara was in the back seat crocheting and talking. I would hear her voice in the back seat, "So Kal, did Kevin ever tell you the time when Keith was four years old and ... ..." When he said no, she proceeded to tell the whole story in her great detail. When we got Barbara back to her house she took Kal down the hall way of photographs and told him who everyone was and a little story about it too. He was so gracious and kind to her which I greatly appreciated so long story short, Kal passed the "Barbara Test."

About a month later I made the decision to move to Albuquerque to be with Kal. Needless to say Barbara was happy for me but at the same time very sad that I was going to leave.

Birthday month and other April musings

Well, birthday month has started. Francine's birthday was on Mar. 31 and we haven't done anything yet except for going out to lunch the other day. I guess the "party" is going to be this Sat. the 10th. Kal's birthday is the 17 and I don't know what he wants to do. Quiet sounds good to me but I'm sure not for him. Eric's at the end of the month so it's too soon to worry about that one yet.

Easter was yesterday and Kal and I went to the sunrise service at church. It really takes away from the service when Kal continually peers over his shoulder thinking his mom is going to walk in at any moment. She is always late and thinks nothing of it. I think she believes it is cute and funny but it isn't.

Then there was the "Primo" bull shit. A few weeks ago Kal decided to offer Primo the olive branch and open up communications with him again. Less then a week after the initial phone call Primo asked Kal to give him a reference for an apartment he was trying to rent. Kal lied for him and told them he paid his bills on time blah blah. Then Kal asked me if it was alright with me if we asked Primo over for breakfast on Easter. I agreed and Kal called him up. From what I understand he hemmed and hawed and told Kal he would call him back later. When he did call Kal was in the bathroom so I picked up the phone. After a hesitation Primo said, "Hi Kevin this is Art can I talk to my primo?" That's it, nothing more, nothing less so I handed the phone to Kal. That ungrateful mother fucker told Kal that he didn't want to come over for breakfast because he would feel uncomfortable in our house but wanted to get together with Kal alone sometime for lunch or something. What that said to me is he didn't want to see me because I'm sure he thinks I am the one behind not letting him move back into our house two years ago. Well, long story short, he will not come over to our house ever again and I don't care if I never see him again.

They moved Francine's birthday party to Sat. the 10th and we had to go to their house. They said "no presents" but we decided to get her a Walmart gift card which I think is a good present. When it came to present time it was more then awkward when Tina gave Francine 10 Betty Boop gifts when the rest of us were told to bring nothing but using my favorite word whatever.

Kal gets so weirded out during "birthday month", he thought Eric was bitching to him about what we got Francine so he goes online and orders a $50 Betty Boop cookie jar to go with the $25 gift card making our "no presents" total $75 just to look good as far as I am concerned. Eric called me and asked if we were getting Francine something else for her birthday and since I had no idea Kal ordered this I told him no. Communication Boys! I really don't know who to believe, Kal says she is expecting more, Eric says keep it for Christmas (I agree) but just relax.

I started asking some of our friends and neighbors to come over to our house for Kal's birthday on the 17th. Since it was a Saturday it worked out well and decided to have a pot luck party for him at around 4 in the afternoon. I made Barbara's Block Party Beans for the meat eaters and chili relleno casserole for the vegies. Of all the dishes the relleno casserole went over the best (patting myself on the back). Nice group, very relaxed and I think everyone had a good time. No Drama! Yea! The only negative and this is my own personal opinion is that Eric and Francine should have gone with the "no present" rule because what they gave him is hid-day-oso. It is a Star Trek lamp with the Enterprise that rotates in front of a mirror and the shade is black with space ships, stars and the logo Star Trek in big letters on the front and back of it. I have no earthly (pun intended) idea where to put it. Maybe a different shade will help, I don't know.

10 years ago

In loving memory of my mom, Carolyn Sue Brackenbury McCoy
November 6, 1931 - March 29, 2000


Ten years ago this month, March, 2000 was the cumulation of the shittist period of my live. I don't know why but I feel the need to put down in words some of the feelings of what happened. Most of the memories are so vivid it seems like it just happened last week but then some of the things I thought I'd never forget I think I have.

It hadn't even been ten months since dad died and I had only been in my own house 16 months after splitting from Walt and now all of a sudden (it seems like) mom was going to have to go have two heart valves replaced. This is one of those "fuzzy" times when I wonder why the hell wasn't I more proactive with mom and go to her doctor appointments with her like when I went to the oncologist for dad? They tell her she needs the operation, she tells me and I just went along with it. I'm still perplexed why I didn't take her by the hand and get second and third opinions, it is her heart they wanted to go in and operate on but I didn't do it and it is something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

It's one of those things you can look back and see the signs were there but weren't read. I think mom was having heart problems years before the surgery but nothing was done. Mom and dad were taking a golf group to Mexico and the flight from Denver to LAX was delayed making their international connection nearly impossible. Mom said she got shin splints running to the plane and therefore had to walk but I think now that her heart wouldn't let her move quickly. Then it was only a couple of months after that when dad was diagnosed with cancer and she spent every moment focused on dad and not herself. She was convinced they were going to beat the cancer with the treatments and this special tea someone told her cured cancer. Taking care and worrying about dad was taking a toll on mom's health but since all of us were so worried about dad as well we didn't even think something could be wrong with mom.

I went with mom and dad to the oncologist the first part of May when the doctor told us they could "try" a very aggressive but unproven treatment that may not do anything for him or we could take dad home and make the next three or so weeks as comfortable for him as possible and to think about contacting hospice. Mom made me contact the doctor again to see if what he told us was what we heard and of course it was. Then the thought of calling hospice just about put mom over the edge. "I don't need hospice." Hospice is for people who are going to die." She fought it for a couple of days until agreeing to have them come over and I think that actually it was a relief to have them.

As the days were going by we were watching dad getting weaker and weaker until one day he said he didn't want to be in the family room any more and was ready to just stay in the hospital bed we had brought in. Dad was there only about a week before he passed away peacefully on May 28, 99. We were all numb that day but I had contacted the funeral home a few days earlier and had gotten the ball rolling. Barbara and Fats had come over to the house and we decided to order pizza for dinner that night. Mom was so annoyed that Barbara had her call the pizza place and put in the order. That's another of those what was I thinking about moments because I could see how irritated mom was clearly not wanting to talk to them on the phone and I just sat there with everyone else just looking at her.

Mom probably could have done without having a funeral at all but we all knew that wasn't an option. We had the funeral on June 1 and we got through the after funeral gathering at the house that afternoon. It was only a day or two after the funeral mom had Wendy and me go through dad's closet and get rid of his things. She didn't want his clothes there so we took care of that for her.

Just a few days after dad's funeral was mom and dad's 46th wedding anniversary and during that same weekend was their 50th high school reunion. Mom was understandingly upset and people were trying to comfort her. Many believed as I did too, that she was a strong woman and could get through this. Oh no! Whenever anyone said, "oh Carolyn, you are so strong." mom would just about lose it saying she wasn't strong and why do these people keep telling her that. This is another one of those "when I look back" moments that should have told us there was something very wrong with mom and her health but we just didn't see it.

The weeks after that were visibly hard for mom going to the bank, the lawyers office and even the DMV causing her and her heart more and more strain. If there was any good time of year for dad to pass away I guess it would have been the beginning of summer because Wendy and the kids could spend this time with her. The day they went home was very sad for mom. I took them to the airport and came right back to be with her and made plans to have dinner with her that night.

In Oct. mom and I flew to Monterey with Barbara and Fats for the Raddatz meeting and we had to change planes in LAX. We had to go to the commuter plane terminal and it was a pretty tight connection. We were walking fairly quickly down the concourse and I kept looking back at mom grabbing the rail and saying things like we don't need to run. I told Barbara and Fats to go on and we would be there as soon as we could. I had never seen this side of my mom. Mom was always the one who we had to keep up with whether it be tennis, skiing or anything so I couldn't imagine why she wasn't able to up the pace a little quicker.

Mom went to La Jolla the first part of March for a couple of weeks with Barbara and Fats which I was happy about. I didn't like hearing that she couldn't finish a round of golf or that she couldn't walk down to Shell Beach, that just wasn't like her. She came home with about a week to go before going into the hospital and I would go over to her house most every evening. I was to take her into the hospital on Tuesday so it was that Monday night dinner I'll never forget. We couldn't just sit there and visit, no mom wanted to take me through the house to show me where the keys were to the safe deposit box, the combination to the vault in the house, all her legal paperwork and even gave me her password to her computer so I could write an email to everyone in her address book to let them know how everything went with the surgery. I was horribly uncomfortable and I kept telling her she didn't need to do this because everything was going to be alright and she was going to be home soon.

I picked her up on Tuesday afternoon to take her to the hospital because they wanted her to spend the night there before her surgery. They went through the intake and took her to her room and I told her I was going back to her house to get Murphy to take over to my house. She told me to not bother to come back that night because Barbara and Fats were going to come over and she just wanted to rest and be alone. This is another one of my "why the hell did I listen to her" moments, I should have gone back but I didn't. From the sounds of things it was pretty hectic with the nurses and Barbara there trying to get the TV just right. I did call her and told her I'd be there the next morning.

Early Wednesday morning I was there in pre-op and Fr. Bacon came to bless her prior to her surgery. She seemed pretty calm and now I was the one who was getting nervous. The nurses escorted me to a private waiting room that had a TV where I could wait. Barbara came to stay with me and so did mom's friend Joyce Everett. Barbara and Joyce talked to each other but I just sort of blankly watched the TV waiting for a nurse to come in every hour or so with an update. The surgery lasted over four hours before Dr. Guadagnoli, whom I'll come to hate later, came in to talk to me. He told me that everything went well and they will need to keep "her under" for the day and night before bringing her up the next morning which he said was standard procedure.

Feeling relieved I went to mom's house and signed on to her computer and wrote everyone on her address list a note telling them what the doctor told me. I wish I had waited to do that because I couldn't have been more wrong. I didn't go to the hospital that evening because mom was under sedation and I wanted to be there the next morning when the brought her up from the drugs, so I went home.

The next morning, Thursday, I went to the hospital where she was in ER. They had just brought her up and when she saw me said "Hi Kev." in a pretty weak voice. I told her that Barbara wanted to come and see her but she told me she didn't want her to see her looking like this plus she really didn't want visitors. I told her I'd tell Barbara but that I would come over after work and have dinner with her in her room. I had mom's Lincoln and dropped it off at the Goodyear store to have new tires put on because they were pretty bad and then walked to work.

It was about 10am and I was on a call at work when Marg told me the hospital was on the line and they needed to talk to me right away. I got on the phone and I don't remember if it was the doctor or his nurse but they told me mom had gone into respiratory attack and they and to put her under again to control her breathing. I told them I'd be over right away then did this panic dance around the office because the car was in the shop and I had to go and what will I do. Marg told me to take her car and she would get it later so I took off for the hospital. It was like one of those movies in slow motion driving to the hospital and then I couldn't find a parking place. When I finally did and started going into the hospital I couldn't see or hear anything I just went through this tunnel to get to the ER.

I got there and Dr. Guadagnoli was trying to tell me what happened in typical doctor lingo but the long and short of it was he didn't know why this happened and this shouldn't have happened bull. Finally his recommendation was to take mom into surgery again and see what went wrong and I of course agreed because I sure didn't have any other options for them to explore. I don't remember how it happened but somehow Marg got her car back and I got mom's car by that afternoon when the surgery was to start.

Bless Barbara and Fat's hearts they came to the hospital, this time no private room but the general ER waiting room to sit with me for this surgery. It was late afternoon or early evening when they got started on another four hour plus operation. Fats brought sandwiches and Barbara brought her cards that would get us through many hours during days to come. When they finally came out of the operating they told me that they couldn't find out why mom went into the respiratory attack and that it was a mystery to them. Great. They wanted to observe her for at least 24 hours to see if there was any change one way or another. I was so exhausted I went home to crash.

The next morning when I went to the hospital to check on her they told me there had been no change in her status. They did inform me though that they hadn't closed her up and were keeping an eye on her. The rest of the day is pretty much fuzzy until that evening when I talked to Guadagnoli. His recommendation was to go for a third surgery and replace the third heart valve. He told me they could get mom into surgery the next day, Saturday, around noon. Guadagnoli then said to me, "you have a sister that lives out of state, I think you need to call and have her get here as soon as possible." I'm thinking to myself this isn't a good thing.

It was past 10 when I got home with my head reeling about what the doctor had just told me. I thought about calling Wendy and thought to myself what good would it be to wake her up and both of us not being able to sleep so I thought I'd wait until it was after 7 her time. Why? I don't know it just is what I thought. So I tried to sleep and every time I looked at my clock I kept thinking 1 here, 3 there, 2:30 here, 4:30 there, all night long. Finally it was 5:30 and I thought OK it's 7:30 in Charlotte I guess I can call now and when I did I couldn't believe I got her answering machine so I left her a message to call me back as soon as possible.

Luckily, it wasn't too long before Wendy called me back and to tell you the truth I really don't know just how I told her the news. She told me I sounded kind of wishy washy about the whole thing and that she had to pry the information out of me. I told her to call US Airways and get out here on the next flight. I also told her I couldn't pick her up so maybe she should take the shuttle up to Ft. Collins. After that the fog sort of set in again and the next thing I remember about the day was being at the hospital again. Joyce Everett who sat with me during the first surgery was there and I told her about Wendy coming in and she told me that she and her husband Bob would go to Denver to pick her up which I was grateful.

So there once again my poor mom was going in for her third major surgery in four days and there once again was me having to sit and wait for another four excruciating hours not knowing what was going on. Mom was still in surgery when Wendy got to the hospital in her state of shock of what's going on and wondering what is so bad the doctor thought she should fly across the country with just a bag of clothes she threw together before leaving her house.

Once again Barbara and Fats were there as was my dear friend Dan and Fr. Bacon who had been keeping tabs with me. Dick and Sue had come back from their trip to California were there too with all of us just sort of blank. Barbara was trying to get everyone to play a card game and those who did really weren't into it. Finally, Guadagnoli came in to talk to us and we had a Scooby Doo moment when we all go Huhhhh?? He told us they went in to replace the third valve and once in there found a hole in mom's heart. They went in and repaired the hole and then replaced the valve but were concerned and felt they still needed to leave her "opened up". I hated that and it really freaked me out. I couldn't get it out of my mind every time I saw her she was laying there that her chest was opened up. I didn't get this and that goon Guadagnoli could never give me an explanation that made sense to me. Bringing me to another one of those "why didn't I do more moments", why didn't I grab his jacket and tell him to explain it to me like I was in fifth grade so maybe it would be clear, but I didn't.

So begins the vigil. Wendy and I went in to see her and my heart started breaking. Our active funny mom who always got everyone to go swimming at the Cove or go out to go sledding was laying there in the ER room with machines all around her and tubes in her arms, nose and mouth. We both did the "hi mom" and talking to her about getting out of here and getting well but it was so hard, so hard. We talked to ourselves and decided to go out to the waiting room to tell Barbara and Dick that we thought it was best they didn't go in and see mom. The only reason we did this was because one of the last things mom said before going into respiratory attack was she didn't want Barbara to see her like this, and that was when she was supposedly getting well. Mom was a very proud woman and I don't think she would have wanted Wendy and me to see her like this either. Deep down I was thinking if this was the end for mom I don't want to hear stories from Barbara or Dick about what they thought of her in that bed and I think I wanted them to have the memories of our beautiful mother the way she was in life.

Wendy wanted to spend the night in the hospital and asked me if I wanted to stay to. This is not one of my regrets and I told her I didn't want to stay, I had been there enough the last few days so I left her and went home. I do remember I had a number of vodka tonics that night and crashed as I had never been so exhausted as I was then.

Thank god I didn't stay at the hospital because poor Wendy got awakened the next morning by Walt who decided maybe this would be a good time to make points with the family after all the shit he put me through with our break up. As my dad said once about Walt, "I pity him because he is just so pitiful." He was right because this really wasn't the time to hear him say how sorry he was about what happened to us blah blah. Thinking back now it was another one of his sick narcissistic attempts to make it all about him again and thank goodness I just sort of blocked him and focused on what needed to be done for today because I couldn't do anything about yesterday and tomorrow was too far away.

The next few days were spent with Wendy and me going back and forth from mom's room back to the waiting room. There was the morning and afternoon updates from Guadagnoli with our blank looks. Once again, thank goodness I had Dan with me to be my ears when he talked to us. Dan would recap everything for me because I just couldn't focus. One of the funniest times I'll never forget was one day when Fr. Bacon came to the hospital on one of his numerous visits. Barbara was sitting at the table always looking for someone to play cards with her. She asked Fr. Bacon if he wanted to play and he tried to decline her offer. It just isn't that easy to turn Barbara down and before long he was sitting at the table with cards in his hands.

Barbara: So Fr. Bacon, where did you grow up?
Fr. B: Iowa.
Barbara: Did you grow up on a farm?
Fr. B: No but my grandparents lived on a farm.
Barbara: Did you love going to visit them?
Fr. B: No. They put me on a horse once and I cried.
Barbara: Well, what else didn't you like about it?
Fr. B: I couldn't stand the smell of the feed.

At this point Barbara calls across the waiting room: Fat's, when you were growing up on the farm did you not like the smell of feed?

Fats: I didn't have time to think about it Dolly.

Then there was the lunch with Robyn. Robyn Warren lived across the street from us when we were growing up and her father was a patient of Guadagnoli's. Robyn and Dan joined Wendy and me for lunch in the hospital cafeteria and she told us her horror story about her dad and his experience with Guadagnoli. There were issues with insurance and his wanting to keeping Robyn's dad alive. That is until the day the insurance ran out and then he was allowed to be taken off life support. The horrors the Warrens went through were awful and we weren't sure what we would do if we were put in this situation.

Robyn and Dan told us to open up a conversation with Guadagnoli and have him spell out for us the realistic options or as I refer to it is give us the "At Best" scenario of mom's condition. It's funny because I remember the "at best" almost verbatim but Wendy years later couldn't remember a thing he told us, so her it goes.

He told us; "At Best" they couldn't say for sure how long mom would be in this state or how long it could be before she was strong enough to be closed up. While she was opened up there was a greater chance of infection which could be worse then what she was going through with her surgerys. Then when the time came that she could be closed up she most likely would have to spend weeks to months in the emergency room. Once stronger, they could move her to the heart floor where once again she would have to spend weeks to months there. After leaving the heart floor there would have to be years of rehab and there is no way to tell how much brain damage could have occurred during this whole procedure. He couldn't tell us for sure if mom would be able to function as before or even walk again. There were just to many unknowns. If this was the "At Best" what would happen if all this good news didn't happen? Plus just looking at that woman in that bed we know that wasn't our mom. The woman laying there was so swollen up and puffy from all the I.V. liquids that were flowing through her. I remember looking at her and thinking the only thing that looks or reminds me of our mom was the finger nail polish she had on. That was it. This was not our mom and this is not what our mom would want us to have her go through.

After hearing this Wendy and I went out to talk to Barbara and Dick and let them know what Guadagnoli told us. Mom had made it clear to Wendy and me years ago that she never wanted to be "kept alive" or do any heroic efforts to just keep her living. She let us know the difference about being alive and living and we were clear the "at best" was nothing she would have wanted. Barbara and Dick knew this too so we told them that unless there was a miracle overnight that we were going to take mom off life support the next day. They agreed with us and told us they didn't think any less of us for making that decision.

After a restless night I met Wendy first thing at the hospital because we had a meeting with Guadagnoli and were going to tell him we wanted to take mom off of the life support system. We got there and Wendy told me that she couldn't talk to him and wanted me to tell him of our decision. Guadagnoli started in right away with maybe we could do this or that and blah blah but I had to stop him and said that after thinking about his "at best" scenario we couldn't let mom go through that and wanted to take her off of the machines. He really didn't try to talk me out of it and agreed to meet us in her room at 8:am. I went over to Wendy to tell her what Guadagnoli said to me when lo and behold who should walk in but Walt. This is the best thing I ever did when it came to my dealing with him in sixteen years was I took him by the arm and led him to a quiet corner. I told him that this morning was not a good morning for him to be here at the hospital and I asked him very calmly to please leave because this day was for family only. I had never been that firm with him and it felt good.

8:am came and we met Guadagnol in mom's room. He at least had the decency to not try to talk us out of our decision because we were thinking of Robyn's dad and Guadagnoli keeping him alive just to keep receiving insurance money. Guadagnoli told us what he was doing and what to expect. After a few minutes they left Wendy and me alone with mom and we kept holding her hand and talking to her. I would sit on the floor and just look at her in this bed with a million thoughts running through my head. Is this really the right thing? Mom is going to die right in front of me. What will happen next? Oh, my god another funeral to plan just 10 months after dad died. Why didn't I do more early on? What could we have done differently to not be here right now?

Two hours later they came back in the room to let us know it was over. That was it. I never saw one bit of difference in her from 8:am until now so in some sort of way it occurred to me that mom had been gone long before this and that gave me a little peace. We went out to tell Barbara and Dick that their little sister had passed away. Dan was there as he had been all week and Fr. Bacon came to give mom her last rites.

We weren't crying (yet) but were just numb.

It wouldn't hit me for awhile just what happened.

Mom had in her directive that she would donate any organs needed upon her death that could be used for others so we let the hospital know this was what she wanted. Meanwhile Wendy and I went over to Barbara and Fat's house to plan what needed to be done next. Barbara had her cheap ass friend Ash go to Wendy's to get everyone some burgers and he came back with those tiny $1.00 burgers and a few fries. I can't believe what we got done that afternoon, here's kind of a check list:

Called the funeral home to have someone come over.
Set the date and place for the funeral.
Wrote mom's obituary and got a picture to the paper before their deadline.
Called family and friends.
Got reservations for Joel and the girls to fly out.
Met and visited with people who came by the house.

One of those who came by was Barbara's friend Sun from Korea. Wendy had never met her and Sun started crying hysterically in front of Wendy with her tears flying all around. She was saying she should have had Carolyn over to her house more for dinner. Barbara was funny saying, "Yes Sun, Carolyn always was saying I wish Sun would have had me over to her house more." We had to have a few smiles that day.

I got a call from the hospital later that afternoon telling me that none of mom's organs could be used for donations because all the fluids they had pumped into her had damaged them too badly. Initially shocked to hear this it confirmed my belief that what we did by taking mom off of life support was the right thing for her.

Mom died on a Wednesday and the funeral was on Saturday, April 1 (what a cruel April's fool) and the time between really to this day is still a blur. I know we went to the funeral home, talked to Fr. Bacon about the service, met with people who came by and those who came from out of town like Char. Char Dooley was mom's best friend since childhood and she drove up from Santa Fe again like she did for dad's funeral. Chars true impact would be felt a few months later when she came back to Ft. Collins to help Wendy and me go through mom and dad's house.

The funeral went smoothly except Wendy was a mess. They had us walk up to the front row in front of everyone seated and Wendy was just sobbing. The service started with Fr. Bacon talking directly to Kelsey and Maddie about what happened, their feelings and how it was alright to be sad and alright to cry. Instead of the traditional eulogy we did the same thing that we did for dad's service and had certain people write their own letters of memories about mom and had Dan Michaels read them. Finally it was over and everyone came over to mom's house for food, drinks and memories.

Here are a few thought I have about some people I have written about presented in no particular order.

Barbara. I really couldn't have gotten through the week without her and it just sort of happened that during this time she became my second mom. Barbara was always up and tried to keep our minds occupied by playing her card games. There was this one game where the point was to discard all of your cards into various suits and runs placed down on the table. We could always tell when Barbara was about to "go out" and discard everything because there was a little ritual that took place. First there was the scanning of the cards on the table with glances up and down into her hand. Next she would scoot her chair a little closer to the table and put on her glasses that were hanging around her neck on. Finally she would stand up and start placing her cards everywhere on the table until she played the last one with a little chuckle and proclaim "OUT!" Barbara took Wendy into her house and let us use it as our base during everything that was going on and was always there to listen and be there for us. Barbara is a blessing.

Fats. He was quietly there with us the whole time too offering his support and love. Little could we have known that six months later good ol Fatsie would pass away too.

Dan. My very best friend who was there with me nearly the entire time we were going through this. As I mentioned earlier, he was my ears, my tape recorder and the only one who could objectively give me the advice I so needed. Many times he told me to come outside with him and walk around because he knew I couldn't stay in that waiting room all the time. Thank you thank you Dan. When you look up the word friend in the dictionary it says; "see Dan".

Fr. Bacon. Not only just a compassionate priest but a friend as well. Neither of my parents were religious and I know the only reason Fr. B was there so much was because of me. He truly was a follower of Christ unlike so many of those who proclaim to be "christian". I believe he had come into my life to fulfill my spiritual being.

Robyn. I hated having to hear what she was telling us about Guadagnoli and her experience with him but it really had to be told. I'm sure it was hard for her to relive this but am thankful she did.

Wendy. It would have been nice to have had her with me the entire time of this ordeal. Maybe between the two of us one would have gone with mom to Guadagnoli's office and got more information. I felt badly for her though when she called mom the night before her surgery and mom told her that if she didn't make it Wendy had to promise her she would divorce Joel. Put that one in the shudda woulda coulda column. With dad's passing in May and mom in March Wendy had to experience her first birthday without both parents less then two weeks after mom's passing.

Guadagnoli. I don't think he went in with the idea that mom couldn't make it through the initial surgery but I don't think he is totally ethical either. I always sensed a lack of concern from him. It could have been that is his personalty or that doctors have to separate themselves emotionally from their patients but being icy cold doesn't endure yourself to him at all. After hearing what Robyn went though and later what Sheldon had to face with Guadagnoli when Fr. Bacon had his heart attack and later passed away I would never let him near me or anyone I love with a scalpel. People say we should have sued him but at that point in time the thought of going through what we had just gone through all over again in court made me nauseous and in the end, mom would still be dead.

Of course there were others that made an impact during that horrible time but these are the ones who "POP" still ten years later.

Mom, even though it has been ten long years since you left us, you are still alive in my heart every single day. I miss you and dad so much and wonder how different my life would have been if the surgery were successful. I still have a much easier time reconciling dad's passing then yours. Dad had cancer and there was nothing that could have changed that but maybe we could have done something different with you. Dad was able to pass at home and be aware of his surroundings but I hated that you had to be in that awful ICU room under sedation with your chest opened up. I see some people who have there mothers still in their lives and am jealous of them. I wonder why this had to happen to me and used to be mad but now I've moved past that to be just being sad. Most of all though I am so happy that you were my mom and I love you very much.

Sick week

Oh no! It started out last Sunday when Kal said he didn't feel good. Crap, when he gets sick he doesn't try to hide it at all. Not saying he's a drama queen but he always seems to be a little sicker when he is talking to someone on the phone. The voice is deeper and the coughs are more frequent then when it is just the two of us together. The worst part is trying to get him to rest because it just doesn't happen. Instead of trying to go back to sleep at night he has to get up and go into the other room. I think I have finally realized this is how he works so rather then beg him to come back to bed I'm now letting him be. I did throw a blanket on top of him, OK it was the big towel but it was thick and long.

Sadly though my comment about "I never get sick" was put to task and I got sick on Tuesday. The coughing was getting worse, my head hurt and my body ached. I even got a temperature of nearly 101 which is huge for me. I usually don't even hit the normal spot on the thermometer. Wednesday and Thursday were a total waste for me. I would go back to bed in the morning and then again in the afternoon then was exhausted by 10:00.

One good thing about the sick week was we were pretty much MIL free. It started the Thursday before when Kal told her we weren't going to be home when in fact I was home but Kal went to his brothers house for "prayer night" (another story). Friday she called and said she was going to have dinner with the girls in Los Lunas. Saturday we had Tom and Joe over for dinner so we told her not to come over until later since Tom can't stand her. When the guys left, Kal called her but she was too tired. Sunday was day one of sick week so we didn't go to church but she did come over to shove food down her throat and leave. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday we told her we were too sick and "didn't want her to catch our crud". I guess she couldn't fend for herself any more so she started coming over again. She had a tooth extracted on Friday and came in holding her chin moaning and not talking. I warmed up my famous cream of asparagus soup and the only thing out of her mouth when she finished eating was that it was cold. Last night during the Oscars she showed up and didn't bother to say anything to me until she left when she said good bye.

It's now Monday and we both have the cough but need to get on with it so here we go.

25 Random Things

A while back there was a thing in Facebook where people posted 25 random things about themselves. Here is my list.

25 Random Things

1. I haven’t gone downhill skiing in years.
2. I listen to too much political radio on both sides and yell at my radio when Sean Hannity is on the air.
3. My sister can be a nut job.
4. I really love my home and neighborhood.
5. I don’t know if I will ever like Kal’s mom.
6. I want to start riding my bike more this spring and drop some pounds.
7. I thank God I found the church that I did.
8. I have four anniversaries 01-01-01 the day we met, 06-07-01 the day we moved in together, 03-02-04 our first marriage in San Francisco (null and void) and 09-17-08 our second marriage in San Francisco (still valid).
9. Summer is my favorite season and winter is my least favorite.
10. I still really miss my parents and realize I always will.
11. Sometimes I wish we could live on an island but would have to have plumbing and electricity.
12. I really love my Westies.
13. I really don’t miss Colorado I have so many friends in Albuquerque.
14. I wish Star Trek was never developed so Kal wouldn’t have the need to go to their conventions.
15. I am too controlling.
16. Why don’t places like to hire people who are in their 50s?
17. There is dysfunction in every family, some more then others.
18. I wish I could swim in the ocean on my private island every day.
19. Cooking is one of my favorite things to do.
20. Eating (sadly) is probably my second favorite thing to do.
21. Only a handful of people know exactly where and how Kal and I met.
22. Avitar was one of my favorite movies.
23. I worry too much.
24. I wonder why I can’t find any of my fraternity brothers on Facebook.
25. I’m a good person.

MILisms

>This is what I started to write in 2004 so just copied onto this post.

Where to start?

I had met Estella (aka Stella – Mil) a few times before moving to Albuquerque and I have to admit there either weren’t any red flags or I was just too horny for Kal to see them. The first thing I thought was rather odd was when I flew down for the weekend and we were going to go to Santa Fe. We were about ready to leave when Stella said we couldn’t go until we took her to Costco. She proceeded to stock up on her things and then expected Kal, to pay for everything. I thought this was very odd to me as my mom would always pay for her own things and usually offer to buy things for me.

Anyway, I moved here and don’t regret doing so but it has been a real challenge with Stella. She has become more and more nasty and mean and right now I really do not want to have anything to do with her but she won't and I guess can't go away. I have listed a few ditties to highlight just what kind of a person she really is.

Red Flags – too late.

Efren Sr. had heart surgery a few months before I moved and on the second night I was here the phone rang in the middle of the night. We think something has happened to his dad so we were a little panicked. The conversation I hear from Kal is something like this. “He’s in the hospital! What happened? What hospital?” Then it gets weird. “She’s in jail? What happened? What jail?’’ Stella got in an argument with her neighbors and threatened to assault their 14 year old boy. Neighbors call police, dad has heart palpations and Mil gets hauled off to jail. I’m thinking to myself right now, this isn’t normal to bail out your mother in law from jail. Years later when we talk about this is "well I never was charged." What part of that statement makes no sense whatsoever?

Holidays and other special occasions.

My first Thanksgiving here and I wanted to make it special for my new family. I worked for days buying the food, preparing the dishes and set the table with my great grandmother’s china and my mom’s crystal. A friend, Patty came from Denver and helped with the cooking and made special napkin rings and a beautiful centerpiece. After showing up one hour late Mil headed straight for the wine. We had a delicious dinner and went into the living room for coffee after. I was hoping for some sort of acknowledgment of thanks from Stella but nothing came out of her mouth. So in my search for compliments asked her what she thought of the dinner. The response was, “It was ok.”

Next month at Christmas, I tried it again with a prime rib dinner on Christmas Eve and a Christmas day brunch. Her sons lavished their parents with gifts and when the last present was opened I noticed Stella didn’t purchase one present or even a card for her husband or her sons.

In the three Christmas’ I have been here, there was only one time she bought a present for her son. He is 6 feet tall and about 200 pounds and she bought him a size “medium” sweater. She said she would take it back to the store which she did, but only to get credit on her card for it, not to exchange the sweater.

Last Christmas, once again, my spouse bought her many lovely presents to her none. This year though, not only did she take everything back to the store, she had her son drive her. Then she wanted the stores to put the items value on her credit card.

For her 50^th wedding anniversary, we threw her a dinner party with a few (of the remaining) friends she had at our house. I told her to come an hour before the party knowing she is always late but this time they came right on time. As usual, once she got here she proceeded right to the wine and as the night wore on got more and more drunk. She couldn’t say good bye to any of the guests because she went into the bathroom and threw up on herself.

On Mother’s Day we had Francine's mother and sister over for a brunch and as usual MIL was two hours late and came in a fowl mood. She expected her son’s to dish her plate, pour her some wine (again) then she proceeded to speak Spanish the entire time even though she speaks perfect English. Only her son’s could understand her and even at their pleading she wouldn’t quit.

Other fun (?) times

She tells, (doesn’t ask) us, to take her husband to the eye doctor which we do because he is nice and we like him. He informs us he hasn’t eaten all day, which we find is the rule rather then the exception so we take him to a restaurant for a bite to eat. She is running late for an appointment (is there a pattern here?) and we see her come storming into the restaurant with a crazed look on her face. Kal takes her gently by the arm to tell her what the eye doctor told him. She whirled around and screamed at the top of her lungs, “You’re hurting me. Take your hands off me.” Of course everyone in the restaurant has turned around and is looking at this. The manager came up and asked if everything was alright or if he needed to call the police. To that, she screamed once again to call the police and have them arrest her son. She then takes her husband’s cane and throws it at him and barks to him to get up and go with her. In the meantime I am going to the kitchen to ask them to make dad’s order to go.

Random thoughts

I think I'll keep this as an ongoing thing that I can just punch into.

1. If the object of your argument is your MIL and the things she does, is your MIL coming between you? I'd say yes to this one. This past weekend was pretty good except for two arguments and neither of them would have happened if it weren't for his mother. Sunday, we had to sneak off to the early service at church so we wouldn't have to go with Stella but Kal being Kal ended up calling her afterward to go to breakfast with us. No she couldn't just meet us there we had to drive out of our way to pick her up and when the bill came she made no effort whatsoever to pick it up or help us out with the tip. We dropped her off at her house and thought we would have the day to ourselves. Buahh ha ha, what the hell was I thinking? She calls with the, Mijo, take me to Costco B.S. which he does of course. It's her ploy to get him to end up paying for her stuff so I tell Kal to let her pay for her own things and not use the American Express because we need to pay off our credit cards.

Well, I must have been naive to think Kal could go to Costco and not buy anything, it's just impossible, it's not in his DNA makeup. He comes home and told me he put over $200 on the American Express and I hit the ceiling. He gives me this "excuse" that he had to because they wouldn't take his mom's check. Wrong! That's why we got her the membership so they would take her checks. Plus I asked him to not put it on the American Express and he did. He said his mom's portion was $100 which means he spent over $100 on things we couldn't live without, like $65 worth of DVDs. Thus the first argument of the weekend that wouldn't have taken place but did because of her. As I see it, if his mom never called to have him take her to Costco, he wouldn't have gone either and we wouldn't have put $200 on our card.

The second argument happened on Monday evening when, like usual I prepared enough food for three when the phone rings at 6:30 and she says she is going to stay in Los Lunas. I snap at Kal that I am over making, and wasting food for her whims. On one hand I should be happy she didn't come over but on the other hand I'm big on giving notice. If I had known earlier in the day she wasn't going to be there I could have gone through the afternoon happy and peaceful, but no she is always in the back of my head. I finally told Kal that was it, I'm sick of her coming over whenever the hell she wants at whatever time as well. I want a set schedule such as she comes and eats here on Mon., Wed., Fri. nights but we need one full weekend day from awakening to bedtime alone without seeing her at all. Plus, the nights we do ask her over she needs to be here when we eat, I'm tired of her strolling in whenever she wants and expects to be waited on. We eat at 6:30 period, if you aren't here, I guess you miss dinner. I really think I'm being generous with our time but I have yet to see Kal do or say anything to her about it.

Case in point she calls last night about 6:30 inquiring about what's for dinner tonight and what did we have last night blah blah and says to Kal she'll be over to eat. I told Kal, great, I have a few things I want to talk to her about concerning coming over but he told me not to say anything to her, that he would take care of it. I just wonder when this will happen.

Feb 23. OK it has been a week now since Kal told me he would take care of things and nothing yet. I'm still waiting. She still can come over whenever she wants to at night and no consequences. The other day was a crack up when she said since she came over all the time to eat our food she wanted to "pitch in" with some groceries. She brought over a 40 oz jar of ranch dressing and a cantaloupe. I fricken hate cantaloupes.

Geez, Kal told me last night that Tina wanted us to come over for another rosary for Eric and Francine on Thurs. It's less then two weeks since the last one so I graciously said no thank you, not this time. Besides its Survivor night.

This afternoon I asked Kal if his mother was going to go to the rosary and he told me that Eric didn't want her there because of the negative energy she brings. So I'm thinking to myself oh great, Kal is going to Eric's and I'm going to be here when MIL shows up. I guess I have to be honest and tell her that her Mijo is praying. What hypocrites, praying for the good but not everyone is allowed to come.

Jump! How high?

It's amazing. I can't tell you how much I was really looking forward to having a nice quiet evening ALONE with Kal and watching the season premier of Survivor, H vs V but of course when it comes to this family I am feeling once again what I want really doesn't matter. When it comes to his mother or brother Kal just can't be firm with them and tell them no. I'm not really sure why he wants to please them so much when all they do is take advantage of him.

Case in point 1: Over the holidays when BJ had his little kiosk at the mall to sell his statues and things he asked Kal if he would help him out and had him work three times a week for at least four hours a day without pay. Kal of course did that and told BJ that he would do more if he needed. What does BJ do to show his appreciation, he takes Kal off the schedule once so he could have Francine's best friends son work and he paid him!

Case in point 2: He can't say no to his mother either especially when it comes to dinner in the evening. It's my fault as well because I still always make enough food to feed her but I am really getting over it. It's bad enough when she just comes over whenever she feels like it or calls and asks "what's for dinner." but when we don't hear from her Kal feels the need to call and ask her where she is, did she eat? and to come over. Come on, he thinks she is unable to feed herself and even when she says no (which may be once a month) he pleads for her to come and eat even when we are finished and the kitchen is cleaned up.

Now that Kal is working full time I hardly get the chance to see him so I really don't want to share him every night with his mother. That's why when she left on Wed. night she told us she wouldn't come over on Thurs. because it is my TV night and I was thrilled to have a night alone for a change. The evening started to disintegrate when BJ called about 6:15 and I was listening to Kal talking to him. Some of the things I heard were "sure bro" "we'll be there" "see you tomorrow at 6:30". When I asked Kal where will we be at 6:30 and what day will this happen? He told me that "the family" is going to get together at BJ's house on Friday to have a rosary read to pray for Eric and Francine and all the problems (his embezzlement trial) going on in their lives. Francine's mom Tina is going to lead it and I could go but didn't have to participate in it.

They got that one right. First off I'm not Catholic and I don't understand the rosary, that's going to be my main excuse for not participating. Secondly I think the whole thing of praying for BJ is hypocritical. In my opinion, if he weren't guilty on some level why in the world would you be need to be prayed for? The thing about this whole thing I find astonishing is, if I were accused of embezzling thousands of dollars and I knew I didn't do it I would be shouting it from the tops of the mountains. I would be doing my damnedest to talk to and convince everyone I know, especially those in or related to my family and let them know this couldn't be and isn't possible that I could be guilty of this crime. I have yet to see that from Eric. I hear that he has a lot of evidence he could present against his old boss and the old there are two sides of every story, but not once, not a peep from him saying "I didn't do it." So yes, I do think he is guilty and this praying bull shit just doesn't sit well with me.

So back to the evening; after the prayer announcement I served dinner for Kal and myself thinking I've timed it just right to finish and hunker in to watch Survivor at 7:00. Well, sure as hell at 6:54 the phone rings and it's his mom asking Kal her typical bull shit questions of "did I call at dinner?" "what did Kevin make?" then the "I haven't eaten all day" line. True to form Kal told her to come over but we were watching Survivor. I swear she must have been across the street when she called because the door bell rang less then a minute after they hung up. Thank god for the ability to pause live TV because I had to hit the button while the queen entered and do her phony bologna high pitched greeting to the dogs in spanish. She gets her food then starts in about the parents at her school, the administration and someone said this about that and the woman who helped her secure a position at the school has an inferiority complex, blah blah. All the while she is talking it is in that tone of voice that is so condescending and ugly it just sends chills up my spine. I'm thinking the whole time that I'm sure this is the same tone of voice she is using at her school. I can't help but think she used the same tone of voice and the same anger in the other three schools she was "let go" (think; fired) from in the past five years. If I was in a position of authority and she talked to my in that ugly way I would fire her. So after this little tirade she asks us if we are going to Eric's tomorrow for the prayer meeting. Kal told her it was a rosery and he was planning on going and he didn't know if I was going so then she perks up all happy, "oh I'll ride with you mijo."

So after pausing my show for about 25 minutes I was able to start watching but had to keep pausing when she was talking or going into the kitchen before finally leaving. So my night didn't happen, my night never happens. Now it is about 4:15 on Friday, 2 hours and 15 minutes until prayer central takes place, I can't wait. Woo fucking hoo!

My Dogs

After reading back on some of the things I've written it seems like the only thing I'm pretty good at is bitching. Granted there is a lot to bitch about with this group of characters I've been surrounded with so today I'm switching gears and going to write about something I love which are my dogs. I don't think I've ever had a period in my life when I didn't have dogs except for college and maybe the first year or so after I graduated. There was Pooh, a Chihuahua, when I was born but I don't remember him. Next we had Marty (the first of many many Westies) we got when I was 3 and she was the mother of Duffy who was born when I was 5. Those were my "growing up" dogs because Marty lived to be 13 and Duffy was 17 when dad killed him. OK he really didn't kill him but poor ol Duffers had gone outside without my dad noticing and when he came back in and closed the garage, the door caught Duffy in the middle of his back and broke it killing him right away. That was in the day before the sensors that made the door go back up if something crossed it. A couple of years before Duffy died my parents got Sheona for Wendy's birthday and they had her for many years and when I came home from college she was there.

As I said right after college when I lived in my little apartment in Denver and worked for Frontier I didn't have a dog. After I met and moved in with Walt, Klancy came into my life. Klancy was Walt's dog and he was 1/2 shepard and 1/2 sheepdog and 100 percent wonderful. He was the sweetest dog I had ever met and loved him very much and he was very smart too. After we moved to Fort Collins we found another shepard, sheepdog (sheepshep) in Windsor and we got the first dog I called "mine", Cory. Cory and Klancy got along great and the two of them were a great pair. Cory was so faithful to me and I adored her.

Klancy was getting pretty old for a big dog, I think he was 11 or 12 and his hips were getting bad causing him to fall and it was a struggle for him to get up. It was right about this same time when I noticed a rough lump on Cory's leg and took her into the vet to see what was the problem. They took a biopsy and found she had a very rare form of melanoma which was unusual for dogs to have and the vets recommended I go to Colorado State University's vet hospital for treatment. Luckily I lived in Fort Collins where the hospital was so it wasn't a hardship for me to take her there. They told me her cancer was terminal but there was a new treatment from New York they could offer to do if I wanted. The only hitch is they wanted to do an autopsy when she died whether it be a month from then or 4 years which I agreed. I also had to leave her for a weekend once a month for them to observe and I also said that would be alright. By Feb. 94 Klancy was falling and we would find him sprawled out on his belly with his legs off to the side and because his hips were so bad he couldn't get up. Who knew how many hours this poor dog was like that so Walt took him in to have him put to sleep. At the time I didn't understand really what it was to put a dog to sleep because I never had to go through that before. I got home from work and Walt told me he just dropped him off at the vet and left him because he couldn't see Klancy convulse, shake and lose all bowel and urinary control. After Klancy was gone, I think it affected Cory a lot and her tumors started to spread and grow on her leg and under her belly. We were house sitting my parents house and when I came home from lunch one day her tumors had broken and there was blood everywhere. I called the Dr. who was treating her cancer and we agreed to meet at the hospital to have her put down. The Dr. and tech met us outside and took us through a side door to a room set up with dim lighting and a pad where we took time to calm her down before she got the shot. They asked me if I wanted to be with her and I told her what Walt told me about the process. They assured me it was nothing like that so I decided to be with her even though Walt had to leave the room. It was so peaceful and nice for her and I was so touched when the Dr. started to cry with me as well. I was so thankful I was with Cory and couldn't understand why Walt couldn't be with Klancy and why he didn't ask me to be there either. It still makes me sad to think about poor sweet Klancy being left alone for his last minutes. It was only two weeks from the day after losing Klancy that Cory went to join him. It was a very sad and dreary winter and I cried a lot.

That summer we got a full breed Sheepdog, Roscoe, even though he didn't have papers, in Denver. He was a funny dog and very hyper and he loved to bounce around. My mom would scratch his behind and he just wiggled and wiggled around loving her long nails. He was a good dog but he was really Walt's dog. The next summer my friend Chris told us one of her co-workers Golden Retrievers had puppies and wanted to know if we wanted to "go look" at them. Well, as expected I found a sweet heart of a puppy there and put a deposit down on Mason who got his name from the people I bought him from because that was their last name. Mason was so smart he didn't really need much training. I always said he was an old soul even when he was a puppy because he was so mellow and sweet.

By the end of 1997 it was the beginning of the end for Walt and me (another blog) even though we didn't officially split until Nov. 98. When the split finally did come it was clear the dogs were going to be separated along with the two of us. I knew Walt was going to take Roscoe and I was taking Mason just like he was going to take the wing back chair and I was taking the couch. After I moved into my own house I knew Mason was grieving his loss of Roscoe because he was just so down. Here he was in a new house with just me, it must have been really hard on him but thank God for Mason because if it weren't for him I don't think I would have been able to get through this split without him. Some of the best times I had with Mason were when we would go to my parent's house and go swimming. I would take a tennis ball and throw it out in the water and he would jump in and swim out time and time again to get it. I'd jump in the water and the two of us would just swim around playing ball. It really was like living in the lazy hazy days of summer.

Little did I know during that this was going to be the beginning of the worst time of my life which I know I'll cover later.

Fast forward to Mar. 2000 when my mom went into the hospital for her heart surgery and she had me take care of her Westie, Murphy. I had taken care of Murphy many times before when my parents would go to La Jolla for the winter and absolutely loved her and she and Mason were great buddies. On Mar. 29, both Murphy and I became orphans when mom died just ten months after dad passed away. There was no question that Murphy was going to live with Mason and me and I know she had a great life with us. That summer I would sit on my deck and watch Murphy and Mason run from one side of the yard to the other to look out the fence to see the goings on in the street. It wasn't long before I had my little Westie paths in my yard and realized I'd never have grass grow there ever again. The three of us would have our little routines starting in the morning when I would have them jump up on the bed for our morning snuggles. Mason would sleep on the floor and Murphy had her own bed so the morning times were special. I didn't live too far from a park so the three of us would go on our evening walks mostly in the summer and I would take them to the ranch sometimes.

Then came New Years Eve, 00-01 when I met Kal at a party in Denver. To say we hit it off quickly is an understatement but the biggest hurdle was that Kal and the dogs had to get along, not only get along they all had to thrive. If Kal wasn't coming up to Fort Collins I was loading up the dogs into my truck to drive down to Albuquerque. I usually stopped in Pueblo, Las Vegas and this gas stop in Budaghers, NM to let the dogs out to go "pee pee caa caa." We'd get here but unfortunately the house Kal was renting had a horrible back yard and the poor dogs hated to go outside there. When I went back to Fort Collins I usually would hit Denver at rush hour. It was so cute when the dogs looked out the window in the back of the truck at the people sitting stuck in traffic. I know they were responsible for a lot of smiles those people might not have had at that moment.

Well, the three of them did hit it off and when it was clear I was going to move to Albuquerque I decided to leave the dogs with Kal while I packed up my house. Murphy was at mom's when we went through her things and she really was visibly upset about everything getting packed up and I didn't want her to go through that again. It was easier for me to not have them there but it sure was lonely at night. While the dogs were with Kal he had a doggie door put in the rental house and set about cleaning up the yard as best as he could.

I got moved into the rental and we started looking for a house to buy. One of the many criteria we needed in a house was a yard for the dogs. We found the house on Coe and put in an offer that was accepted. We closed on the house the first week of Sept. 01 and took Murphy and Mason on the AIDS Walk with us on Sept. 8. Someone was there with a little Westie and told us there was an ad in the paper for Westie puppies for sale in Tome. Well, the terrierists hit Albuquerque 2 days before New York and Washington when we bought Maggie on 9-9-01. Maggie was a little puppy and had the biggest ears on her. Of course Mason was a perfect gentleman with letting Maggie grab on to his ears becoming living earrings. Murphy wasn't too sure of her but was never mean to her and after awhile the girls were playing with each other and our little family became five.

When we moved into the house we had the doggie door installed and a fenced grass yard for the babies. I am so glad we didn't remodel the kitchen for a couple of years because Maggie took it upon herself to be the personal destruction dog. She chewed up the cabinets and ripped up the vinyl floor in the laundry room. The three of them quickly became a team and poor old Mason had to deal with them. They would cuddle up in Masons legs and sleep that way. We had our portrait taken with Murphy, Mason and Maggie that also became our Christmas card and is hanging in the family room.

Murphy had been diagnosed with a form of cancer in early 02 but it really didn't seem to slow her down. When we decided to to the AIDS walk that fall we thought we could take turns carrying Murphy but she wouldn't have it and walked the whole 5K. The only real things we saw about her illness was she wasn't eating very much and was starting to get pretty thin. Then there was that night in Dec. when we were getting ready for bed and couldn't find Murphers. We looked all around the house and went out front thinking she might have slipped out when we turned of the Christmas lights but couldn't find her anywhere. I was frantic and running all over the place when I decided to go out and really check out the dog yard. It was cold and drizzling outside and I looked down by the wheel barrel and saw her two little hind legs sticking out from behind it. I picked her up and she was dirty, wet, shaking and wheezing. I brought her in and dried her off and tried to put her to bed. She was up most of the night not doing well and I was awake most of the night listening to her. The next morning she couldn't even stand up on her own so we called the vet and they got us in right away. It was pretty clear to us that Murphy went out under the wheel barrel to die. I don't think she wanted us to see her go and this was her way to spare us. I didn't want her to suffer anymore and knew it was time to let her go so while I held her in my arms I had the vets give her the shot to put her to sleep. Like Cory many years ago it was so peaceful for her and I was so glad I was with her. Not only was it hard to lose Murphy but I felt another piece of mom being torn away from me. While I had Murphy, I still had my mom in a way. I would always refer to her as my mom's dog and we had that special bond.

I couldn't believe it but in the next day's paper was an ad for Westie puppies from the same place we got Maggie. I didn't want to get another puppy so soon after losing Murphy, it had only been one day for crying out loud but decided to go "look" at the puppies. They had two girls left and brought one out first. She was cute but a little shy and I thought to myself we could leave and not feel badly about not getting one. Then they brought out the other little girl. This little puppy was the cutest thing I had ever seen with her fluffy hair and her ears still weren't up. To say we had a mutual admiration for each other would be an understatement my heart just melted when I held her. So off we went home with little Miss Molly, by golly in arm. Kal kept telling me that there was a part of my mom in Molly and that she in fact picked me, which I guess is right.

We got Molly home and she fit in quickly. Maggie was glad to have someone to play with and Mason being Mason put up with her. We got Molly into school quickly and being the proud papas that we are took the video camera to all the school functions. Of course Molly was the best in class but I have to admit that I didn't keep up with her schooling because not only did Miss Molly pick me out she was training me as well. Before I knew it, Mollers took on the role of "alpha dog" which she wore well. She let us know that she was "over" sleeping in the kennel and was ready to sleep on the bed and quickly let us know that she was letting us sleep on the bed with her. She is the only dog I know that loves to burrow to the bottom of the bed and sleep under the covers even in the middle of summer.

I love Molly with my heart but she has this separation anxiety issue with me. When I drove up to the cabin with just the dogs I couldn't even stop to go to the bathroom without her wailing in the truck. It is the same thing at the groomers. For the first few time I took her to get groomed they suggested I might give her some doggie downers to calm her down. Then there is the mailman, good lord I swear she can hear his truck two blocks away and she just sits there staring at the mail slot whining. I have had to put up a barricade so she can't grab the mail when it comes through the slot or else it gets shredded better then my paper shredder.

I have to say though I have never had a dog that loves me as much as Molly does and the feeling is mutual. I have and do love all the dogs I have had in my life but there is something about Molly that's different. Maybe it is the way she has to be with me all the time or at least in lines sight or how she snuggles on my lap but I absolutely adore her. She has the best personality too and I swear she knows how to talk when she does the "wouh wouh wouh". She can jump like I have never seen with all four legs off the floor at least a foot high, especially when it is treat time at 5:30. Mollers watches TV too and whenever a dog, not a cat, is on the screen she flies off the couch to run up to the TV to jump and bark at the dog on the screen. When she hurt her back and had to be on pain killers I just hated seeing her drugged up. She would sleep through the night and was calm as can be. I missed my jumping barking bed hogging Mollers.

By 2008, 'ol Masaroonie was starting to feel his age. Golden Retrievers hips tend to get bad when they get older and because Mason was such a big dog it was getting to him. We had him on Rymadel to loosen up his hips a bit but had to help him out by putting rug runners on the hard wood floors because he would slip on them and fall. Bless his heart though he loved his meals and treats and even though he was a little overweight I didn't deny him his goodies. One of the dogs most favorite things was to go to our neighbor Margaret's house (auntie Margaret) for treats. Margaret lives three doors down and when we let them out all three of them would tear over there. We would sit around the table and auntie Margaret would open up a bag of treats and divey them out between the puppies.

One day in Jan. we got the call to come over to auntie Margaret's house and let the dogs out like we had done so many times except this time about half the way over, Mason fell and he fell hard. He was down and when we got to him he was gasping for air. We got him up slowly, walked him home and called the vet who told us they could take him in right away. They could tell from looking at him and checking him over that his larynx was collapsing. We were informed there were no pills to help and the only thing that could help him was surgery. Even if we went that route they told us sometimes dogs forget how to swallow and have been known to chock themselves to death. Mason was at the point too that by doing nothing he could die a very painful death by not breathing and I knew I couldn't do that to him. Our vets are so wonderful, they gave Mason a sedative to relax him so his breathing will be easier and they told us we could take him home to spend his last day around familiar surroundings and they would come over after work to put him to sleep. I couldn't leave his side all day, it just broke my heart to think of losing my best friend.

Mason was with me always by my side through my breakup and moving into our own house. He comforted me through my dad's bout with cancer and his passing away and then again ten months later with losing my mom. There were so many times when I would just sit on the kitchen floor wailing away with Mason sitting next to me letting me hold him. I'm so glad the last years of Mason's life were so happy living here with Kal, Maggie and Molly. Before the vets got to the house we gave Mason a whole bags of treats which he loved. They arrived and we put the girls in the bedroom and once again I lay next to Mason as he went to join Murphy and Cory in a very quiet peaceful passing. I'm sitting here crying thinking about my wonderful boy. I miss him so much.

After losing Mason I really didn't want to get another dog at least right away so we just concentrated on Maggie and Molly until September came along. Kal saw an ad in the paper from the same breeder we got our other two Westies about a little girl needing a lap to curl up on. Kal was working but I went down to Tome to "look" at her like so many other puppies in the past. I was good and took a critical look at her and told the woman to hold her at least a day and I'd let her know by the next day. After talking to Kal that night I called and told her I'd be there the next day to pick up Masey. Yes we already had a name for her. We named her after Mason and as it has turned out we think there is some of my big fella in this little piece of work.

So I picked up Masey in the morning and met Kal at lunch with her and we all went to the park. Of course he fell in love with her too and all the girls got along. Molly and Masey had a ball playing together and still do to this day. I feel bad for Maggers that she gets left out of their romping but I think since she is getting a little older the wild play isn't as much fun for her. Just like the other two, Masey didn't have much kennel time and before we knew it she was sleeping on the bed with us, or should I say me. Unlike Molly, Masey sleeps on my side toward the bottom of the bed and she stays there all night long for the most part.

As it has turned out we are so happy we got little Masers. Not only is she as cute as can be, we wonder how a heart as big as hers can fit into that little body. She has an amazing capability to go with either of us when she realizes one of us is alone unlike Miss Mollers who has to be with me all the time. She learned how to "sit pretty" by herself and we will look at her sitting up and can't help but scoop her up in our arms. Now she has taken to keeping one of our socks with her all the time. She will hunt for her sockers and come in the room with it in her mouth. Masey doesn't rip it apart she just wants to have it either in her mouth or under her chin.

All in all I have been very lucky with my puppies through the years. Each and every one of them has or had their own personalities and have always offered their unconditional love. I couldn't imagine my life without dogs and have been blessed that these wonderful creatures came into my life. Kal said something the other night that really warmed my heart. We were talking about the dogs and how sweet they are and he told me they were so sweet because they learned it from me and that dogs learn their behaviors from their surroundings and the people there. Thanks sweetie.

Whew, done for now :)

Beemer----again

I'm getting sick of MIL's problems she always continues to have and it is always up to us to fix it. I keep asking Kal why is it ALWAYS when she has a problem it ALWAYS becomes our emergency. That old BMW of hers is nothing but a money pit. It doesn't have to be but since she doesn't take care of it the car has nothing to do but fall apart. I don't know how many months we have told her when she leaves the house she also leaves a puddle in the driveway from her car. Does she do anything about it when the problem is new and can be fixed pretty easy? Noooo.... she has to wait until the car can barely be driven. Now all of a sudden the radiator is shot and isn't holding liquid and she can't drive it so who does she come to? Yeah, us and as always Kal ends up giving her the Jeep. My fear of fears is that she will get into an accident with the Jeep and because of it's age we will end up having to go further into debt to get another vehicle and she won't offer up a dime. I can even bet right here and now she wouldn't even pay the deductible. It will somehow be our fault.

Of course when shit like this happens Baby Jesus won't help out at all. It's basically just fuck off and he doesn't care one way or another about his mom or us for that matter. He and Francine are very selfish and couldn't be counted on to help us for anything as far as I'm concerned.

A few months ago it was the same thing about her car when it was having problems and had to go to the shop. It was about $400 to fix it and of course MIL told us she didn't have the money and her credit cards were maxed out. Does baby Jesus volunteer to help pay this bill, fuck no, so we ended up paying for it and as expected there has been no mention or effort to pay us back for it. What was our option? Don't pay for it and let her use the Jeep and run it into the ground? Let her walk? Once again, MIL wins we lose as it has been for the last nine years and there is no way I can think of that this will ever change. As my dad would say about people and I'll apply it to MIL is; I pity her because she is so pitiful.

So now back to the Beemer and the radiator. Not only does MIL know everything about the school systems, finances or whatever she now is an expert on car problems. I got roped into being the one to call to take / pick up or whatever needs to be done because Kal is working and needs to take the Jeep to work. I got a message on the phone this morning at 8:15 and she says the mechanic told her the radiator is plastic and will need to be replaced at around $200. Her message to me is she told the mechanic the radiator is metal and that she will find someplace else to take it followed by the pitiful, "what do you think Kevin?" Knowing better then to fall into this pit I called back and left a message that I don't know that much about cars so I am not the person to ask about repairs. I may have been born at night (not really) but I wasn't born last night. So now I am waiting for the next phase on the ongoing Beemer saga.

Last night

I'm getting so tired of my MIL and her coming over every night. Really! I would love to just make enough food for Kal and me for dinner but I know that she will come over like she does just about every single night. It's my fault for not setting up boundaries years ago regarding Kal's and my personal time although Kal doesn't support me either. (more later)

Margaret had given me one of those pork tenderloins frozen in shrink to fit plastic that you just put into boiling water for awhile, cut open and serve. I thought that would be good on mashed potatoes so I got vegi-burgers for Kal and had some asparagus that I made for dinner. Of course I cooked all 4 of the vegi-burgers so the MIL would have some too. Some nights she calls with her phony bologna, "I haven't eaten a thing all day." or more to the point, "What's for dinner?" but last night there wasn't any call so we sat down a little before 7pm. So true to form after we ate and were putting things away there is the door bell. Kal told her to get her own plate because we were starting to watch the State of the Union. She sat there shoving the food in her mouth without a single thank you, this is good, nothing - nada - zilch and I am getting more and more angry.

Then Kal made the mistake of asking her if she knew about the computer program, Excel? What? Kal knows much more about computers then she does but yet she answered with a definitive "Sure!". I knew that Kal had to be at work early the next day and he said he was planning on going to bed early but the two of them were back there for the longest time. I started watching American Idol and then the two of them came out. I kept thinking "she's going to leave, she's going to leave" but no. Then it's 10pm and nothing so I start putting the dogs out and closing up the house. 10:15 she's still here and wants to watch the weather and I'm in bed. She missed it on TV so has Kal look it up on the computer before she finally leaves.

I have taken my anger to bed with me and the more Kal was trying to cuddle or hold me the more I was pushing him away. I take total blame for this and am not proud of my actions. Then at 3am the dogs decide it is time to go outside again which I do naked. Kal got up and Maggie was still outside having problems pooping so I told him to go back to bed. When Maggie came back in she had shit all over her ass so I took her into the bathroom to clean her up which caused the other two to go crazy. Finally with the clean dog we all fell deep asleep until about 5am when Kal had to get up and get ready for work.

Think we will all be a tired today.

End of the month worries

Here it is again, the end of the month and I have to go through my anxieties once again. One relief is Kal started working again last week but my worries, the thing I do the best grabbed hold. He started on Tues. and had to tell them he wouldn't be there on Fri. or the next Mon. because he was heading to San Francisco to go to yet another Star Trek convention. He wanted me to go but I know we didn't need to add another airfare plus the meals and purchases to our debt. Then we would have to pay someone to take care of the dogs so I said I would just stay home. I really don't mind and actually kind of like my solitude so I basically barricaded myself at home with my meat. Lindy came on Friday and we watched a movie had some snacks and a screwdriver. Come to find out MIL complained (what's new) that I didn't ask her over. I really wonder why the hell would I ask her over, I don't like her and she doesn't like me so what da? I am so thankful that I could have 4 days alone without her intrusions although she threatened us that she will come by tonight.

Anxiety relaxed today when Kal went into work and everything seems to be going good. He's out in the field and has a meeting with his boss this afternoon. I know these anxieties are still a result of the years of living with Walt and his lack of keeping employment. I would like to be able to get out there and work too but who wants a 53 year old dude that hasn't worked for 8 years. I don't want to keep asking for money from Tom but what can I do? I don't want to lose the house but would be willing to move to someplace smaller if we can be able to not have so much debt. I think that now is a good (the best) time to talk to Wendy and sell the cabin now that she is in financial problems too.

Not much more now but am going to try this box for labels for this post. Maybe then I can come back and write more about what I've started.